The Pussy Incident
by Nic Neptune
Summary: Mrs. Slocombe has a rant about Mrs. Humphries being too rough with her pussy, and the men's department get the wrong end of the stick. Rated T for inuendos. R&R appreciated. I do not own Are You Being Served? WARNING: STRONG INNUENDOS


_***Checks yet again if there is a section for AYBS and there finally is! Yay! I wrote this as a picfic in the form of a Christmas Card last year. Hope you enjoy it. Reviews much appreciated! ^_^ Let me know if you're interested in the version with the pictures (the pictures are what makes it funny, really) and I'll post you a link to my Live Journal. **_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Are You Being Served? I wish I did, but I don't! **

Christmas time had rolled around again and it was the last day in Grace Brother's before the Christmas time off. Anyone would've thought that the staff members would be in a good mood, but Mrs. Slocombe wasn't.

"Whatever is the matter, Mrs. Slocombe?" Miss Brahms enquired, noticing that Mrs. Slocombe was much quieter than usual, and wore an exasperated expression on her face.

"The matter, Miss Brahms, is that Mrs. Humphries has been getting up to things behind everyone's back!" she replied in an exclaimed manner.

"What does she do?" Miss Brahms asked more quietly, looking around sheepishly.

"She goes around, right, acting all innocent. Then she comes into your house and starts stroking your pussy…"

"Blimey! It's amazing the things you see when you haven't got a gun!"

"That's what Mrs. Axelby said!" exclaimed the orange-haired senior, "But anyway, there she sat stroking my pussy, but it got a little rough for my liking…so I asked her to stop."

"And did she?"

"No, she got it all wet instead!"

* * *

><p>Mr. Granger, who was fixing the trousers at the centre stand heard this and no more. He staggered over to the men's department and grabbed onto the counter for dear life.<p>

* * *

><p>"How did she done that?" Miss Brahms exclaimed.<p>

"She spilt coffee all over her! I tell you, I have never seen anything like it in my life and I am unanimous in that!"

* * *

><p>Captain Peacock, Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas sit in the corner together, and lean towards a disturbed-looking Mr. Granger.<p>

"Is everything alright, Mr. Granger?" asked Captain Peacock. The men stood up and started towards the old man, in case of the need of a glass of water.

"No, Captain Peacock, I'm afraid it isn't. Mr. Humphries, I've some news to break to you. Mrs. Slocombe claims that your Mother was stroking her pussy behind everyone's back."

Mr. Humphries jumpedstraight into Captain Peacocks arms.

"No, not Mother!"

"Glass of water for Mr. Humphries!" Mr. Lucas laughed.

Captain Peacock put Mr. Humphries down.

"Mr. Humphries, I feel we may have gotten the wrong end of the stick. It is clear Mrs. Slocombe is spreading rumours about your Mother. I think we should tell Mr. Rumbold."

* * *

><p>Mr. Rumbold finishes polishing his baldie head when he looks about, wearing a vacant expression on his face. "Now where did I put those rissoles?" he mused.<p>

There's four melodic knocks on the door. He sighs.

"Enter."

He sighs at seeing Captain Peacock, knowing his rissoles would have to wait for a while longer.

"What is it Peacock?"

"Mrs. Slocombe has been making very serious allegations regarding Mr. Humphries's mother, Mrs. Humphries. She claims that she was," he began, opening his notebook and putting on his square-framed glasses, "stroking her pussy."

"Goodness!" exclaimed Mr. Rumbold, "Mrs. Slocombe please."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Five minutes later<strong>_

"Mrs. Slocombe, is it true that Mrs. Humphries was attacked by your pussy?"

"No, Mr. Rumbold! It was she who attacked my pussy!" Mrs. Slocombe exclaimed in her defence.

"Ah. So it was you who attacked her pussy and then as an act of revenge, she attacked yours?" mused Mr. Rumbold, the confused old dear.

"No. She was stroking my pussy too hard and then it got wet. It took me ages to dry in front of the oven!"

Mr. Rumbold takes off his glasses and just stares at Mrs. Slocombe, looking appalled, "why?"

"Because she spilt coffee all over her! The poor thing was irritated all night! I had to get the Burmese finger next door to sleep with her. Her fur was ruined for Christmas! Who shall I take to the Christmas party now?"

"Take her to the pussy parlour. If you pussy's in the mood, have it clipped and then shampooed!"

_**So that's it! The end. =D Sorry for the very plain English, but I transcribed this from a script format, and the pictures explain a lot too (and a lack of took from my great ending) but I had to put in that line! Loved it in the show! Reviews will be appreciated and thank you for reading! ^_^**_


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